Sachin refuses to retire

THE SACHIN - INDIA'S (imaginary) NATIONAL NEWSPAPER

39 years young and still going strong.


Mumbai : March 25, 2012


At a news conference held in Mumbai today Sachin Tendulkar today dropped a bombshell by categorically stating that he will not retire from International cricket until the UPA2 actually starts governing the country. This comes close on the heels of a statement today by MP Mani Shankar Iyer that the growth of India is next only to that of China, over the last 5 years. It is a well known fact that various sections of the cricketing fraternity, the media and the public have been speculating on the possible retirement of Sachin. Some sections have even been making veiled suggestions on the timing of it. Sachin had been ducking all such suggestions like the many bouncers that he has effectively evaded all his career ( see sample clip)

Sachin  recently crossed two personal milestones of a century of centuries, and a century of ducking bouncers like the clip above, both in the same match against World champions Bangladesh. He has, of late, been as innovative in finding reasons not to retire as some of his shots in the field.  Realizing that there are no milestones to go after anymore, Sachin had been looking for a truly impossible event to benchmark his retirement announcement against.

As a consequence, he has come up today with this rather challenging milestone that many believe is unlikely.

Reactions from all walks of life have been swift.

Pakistani Cricket hero Imran Khan today said that Inzamam-ul-Haq is better than Sachin anyday and that not even he could make the Pakistani governments work effectively, and that therefore Sachin is doomed to fail in his efforts.

Ravi Shastri appealed to Primer Minister Singh not to deprive TVchannels of business, by giving even a remote chance for Sachin to actually retire through even a semblance of governance. The Prime minister in return assured the nation that no such mishap will ever occur, and that the UPA2 will grow from strength to strength in it's endeavour to set new records in non-governance. The eminent economist that he is, the PM also revealed that the good work of the UPA2 will give rise to a new economic phenomenon called " INACTIVITY-BASED COSTING"  that will serve as a role model for future governments across the world.

Shahrukh Khan today told his good friend Kunder " I need a RAW ONE today man"....   in an obvious mood to celebrate the announcement of Sachin.

Meanwhile, DIG-YOUR-OWN GRAVE Vijay Singh was happy with Sachin's announcement. Paying obeisance to the Gandhi family, Singh said "Sachin's announcement today gives Rahulji at least another decade to learn from his poll trounces, and hopefully prepare to rule India". Singh complimented Madam Sony-a ji for her vision in persuading Sachin to stay on by assuring him that her mere presence will make sure that the UPA2 does not even attempt to commit that grave mistake called governance.

Meanwhile the aspiring MPs were upset with this announcement. They lamented that Sachin's actions could result in total lack of governance by the Congress  and that is reason enough for them to be voted back to power. Many of these BJP members are sitting MLAs, and were fondly hoping to change their venue of watching porn from the Assembly to the Parliament, and are now deeply upset that this is unlikely in the near future.

The Samajwadi party was quick with a new demand that the minorities be allotted at least 50% of the centuries that Sachin scores from now on. When politely reminded that that is not possible, since  all centuries that Sachin scroes will only go against his name, they blamed Mayawati for this mess.

Meanwhile, in a shocking and open threat, Anna Hazare has threatened to go on an indefinite hunger-strike in Shivaji Park, Mumbai in protest against Ramakant Achrekar for coaching Sachin - an event that has now enabled the UPA2 hold on to power. When reminded politely that Annasahib was actually getting confused between the cause and the effect, a member of Team Anna, Kiran Bedi, who flew into Mumbai in Economy Class by Kingfisher Airlines, thundered  " who cares? We need the Lokpal in the form and shape that we want; if that does not happen, we will not be afraid of unleashing many more  Sachins on this government".

Don't Blame Rahul, Blame me!

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The prince campaigned extensively in UP. Had lunch at the poor farmer's house many a time. Tore election manifestos apart- quite literally. Called for "change". Nothing moved the UP voter. His allegiance to SP/ BSP continues- as per exit polls. Moving faster than the eager hen taking the gullible chick under it's wings to protect him from the vultures, "Don't blame Rahul; blame me!" screamed Dig-your-own-grave Vijay Singh.

The emperor in waiting has been portrayed as the face of the nation in the election campaigns, and vowed to swing UP back to the Congress fold. The voter is unmoved- as per exit polls. "Don't Blame Rahul; blame me!" screamed Rita Bahuguna. The many-virtued lady.

The Yuvraj has been criticised for being unable to make a single speech of substance in the parliament, in his capacity as MP and prince-in-waiting. "Don't blame Rahul; blame me!" screamed minister Narayanaswamy. Narayana, the protector.

The crowds sure throng to his public rallies in UP, but that is unlikely to translate into votes- as per exit polls. "Don't blame Rahul; blame me!" screamed Salman Khurshid. The shining sun, indeed.

All this collective munificence  rather confounded me, as I retired to my bed.

His girlfriend announced she is pregnant. "Don't blame Rahul........."  HEY STOP STOP STOP!!!!!

Phew, what a dream it was!!!

இரயில் தாமதம்

This is a  புதுக்கவிதை that I wrote when I was a kid. It is amazing that this holds true even after 30 years! Clearly, some things in India just do not change....

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இரயில் தாமதம்



மேல் நட்டார்

மூர்க்கர்கள்!

இயற்க்கையன்னையை

இரசிக்கக்கூட முடியாமல்

இரயில்களில்

இறகு கட்டிப் பறக்கிறார்கள்!



நம் நாட்டைப் பாருங்கள்;

' அழகு

அரும்பிடும்

அவளை

அவசரமில்லாமல்

நின்று

நிதானமாக

ரசிதுவிட்டுச்

செல்லுங்கள்'



எனச்

சொல்லாமல்

சொல்லுகிறார்கள்!!

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India's I.T Industry was born in Yamalokam!

Chitragupta is the quintessential booker-keeper for Yama Dharmaraja, the God of Death.

According to Wikipedia, Padma Purana after stating the legend says: "Chitragupta was placed near Dharamaraj to register the good and evil actions of all sentient beings, that he was possessed of supernatural wisdom and became the partaker of sacrifices offered to the gods and fire. It is for this reason that the twice-born always give him oblations from their food. As he sprang from the body of Lord Brahma he was called Kayastha of numerous gotras on the face of the earth."

Let us try to analyze this from an etymological angle.  Chitragupta can be split into Chitra and Gupta चित्रः  and गुप्तः  . As we know, Chitra literally means a picture or snapshot or synopsis or a full profile, depending upon the context. The word Gupta  गुप्तः literally denotes secrecy or privacy. 

In other words, Chitragupta's job is to maintain the records of all the beings on this earth of the past, present and the future.

Chitragupta is also credited with the first script on Earth, and also acts as a scribe for Yama Dharmaraja. Again, according to Wikipedia, in the Garud Puranam, Chitragupta is hailed as the first man to give the script.

"Chitragupta namastubhyam vedaksaradatre"

(Obeisance to Chitragupta, the giver of letters)

In the picture above, he can be seen with a pen on hand.


The IT Service Industry in India owes it to Chitragupta. How?

1. Chitragupta was born out of Yama desire to Outsource his mission of destroying the body according to Dharmashatra and enable Bhrahma to sustain the cycle of life. Chitragupta was the Project Executive (PE) of choice. He noted down all the Systems Requirement Sepcs (SRSs), came out with a process Design, implemented systems to perform the functionalities required was a master in Change Management Process to enable the System to adapt to the various Yugas (periods of time). Thus was born the BPO Industry - in Yamaloka!
2. He is the pioneer of Security and Privacy. His name itself has Gupt-gyan in it.
3. With having to maintain so many records and having to retrieve them in an instant, he has clearly led Data Storage Management and Archiving.
4. Being the primordial scribe that he is, he clearly has fathered the Transcription line of business.
5. And last but not the least, the Yamalokam is the back-office of the world. The action is on Earth alright, but the records are created, maintained and updated elsewhere. "Off-shoring" at it's height, quite literally!

News that shook the world – Fast forward 2040

For almost the past two and half decades, the nation has lived and breathed SachinTendulkar. I salute the yeoman service Sachin has done for the game over the years. He is going strong at 39, and “looks set for a few more years of cricket”, as per media reports. Wow! That will surely will make for some sort of immortal record, to the ever-growing list of his records.

On this New Year Day, I took the above media comment a lttle too seriously and conjured up the following news that may well hit the e-stands in the year 2040. I let my imagination run wild, and the results are here:

THE SACHIN                                  JANUARY 1,  2040

INDIA’S NATIONAL e-NEWSPAPER

Editor-in-chief, Assistant Editor, reporter, driver, and any other profession associated with publishing a newspaper - by Dilip S

HOME:

Sachin refuses to retire from Cricket: Mumbai Dec 31

Batting Maestro Sachin Tendulkar has categorically said that there is no question of his retiring from the game.  Speaking at a news conference in Mumbai, flanked by his grandchildren,  Sachin candidly said “ I took tips from Mr. Gavaskar on perfecting playing the new ball in hitherto untested conditions in Antarctica, just yesterday, in preparation for our forthcoming tour there. Mr. Gavaskar told me to watch for the occasional lump of snow which may come in faster than the cricket ball and may give some chin music. Mr. Gavaskar feels that this may be faster than what Brett Lee used to dish out 35 years ago. The BCCI under the able chairperson Supriya Sule has decided to send us 2 weeks in advance to the Antractic, to get acclimatized with the penguins, seals and the polar bears, and of course, the snow ball. This will help us prepare well for the tough tour ahead”.

However, The Sachin  understands that the real reason for Tendulkar refusing to hang up his boots and walking stick may well be the refusal of the BCCI to actually extend pension to retired players. The recent board meeting decision to ratify the decision to extend pension to only players in the playing 11, a decision taken way back in 2011, has ruffled many feathers of players, both past and present. Given that Sachin has so many feathers ( in his cap), one can imagine the impact on him.

Arjun Tendulkar announces retirement from all forms of cricket: Mumbai Dec 31

Ace left handed batsman Arjun Tendulkar today announced his retirement from all forms of the game. Arjun, one may recollect,  had promised to his mother that he will make his father’s statement “I am family man”, something that has stood for Sachin’s off-field priorities, also come true on the field. He thus worked his way up the cricketing echelons to become India’s premier opening batsman, giving his father company from the other end of the 22 yards. “It is indeed a previlege to have played alongside my father. I think he still has a few years of cricket left in him”, Arjun quipped.  Arjun, it transpires, has strongly urged  the BCCI to implement the much awaited pension scheme for retired players.

“He bats just like me” says Don 2: Adelaide, Dec 31

Bollywood icon Shahrukh Khan, whose 2011 runaway hit Don 2 earned him the sobriquet, today likened Sachin’s longevity and endurance to his own. “He still has the same childish exuberance as he had 50 years ago, like I still do in my movies”.

 Don 2 ,  who is currently in Adelaide for shooting for the sequel  to Don , to be titled, “Don 10” had visited the grave of the original Don – Don Bradman, to pay respects.  Readers may be aware that Don 2, who had settled in Bangalore sometime ago in a sprawling villa right next to the ITC cigarette factory, has also announced yesterday to the  media that he has  purchased the Bangalore franchise of the IPL – The Indian Puffers League. He expects a strong demand for this league, which also merchandises branded cigarette puffs as a service, aptly named PaaS – Puff As A Service. This, many industry experts believe, is a step in the right direction – moving away from reliance on products to services, focusing on (puff) Cloud Computing. This  move is expected to prompt many Bollywood yesteryear lady-leads like like Sushmita Sen, Kim Sharma, Kareena Kapoor, Kruthika Desai, Rani Mukherjee to relocate to Bangalore soon.

100^th Ton Eludes Tendulkar: New Delhi, Dec 31

The First Test between Team India and the Penguins, expected to start on Jan 2 at the Ross Ice Shelf is has kindled the hopes of a nation of 3 billion yet again. Yes, playing in this 998^th International match, the Maestro SachinTendulkar is expected to score his much awaited 100^th international hundred. “Will he, won’t he?” appears to be the million Yuan question on everyone’s lips. The Penguins’ captain Pablo said in an interview that he is a great fan of Sachin, as well, but he would prefer to sit in the couch and cheer Sachin when he visits Australia for the 27^th time, right after this tour, rather than him getting a frosty 100^th hundred here.

Anna Hazare demands “Bharat Navaratna” for Sachin: New Delhi Dec 31

Team Anna today began an indefinite fast, for the 238^th time, in Ramlila Maidan, New Delhi. In support of Team India, and more specifically, Sachin Tendulkar. Team Anna , it may be recalled, had arranged for flash dances across various cities to garner support for their demand of a “Bharat Navaratna” title to Sachin. Human Resources minister Mr. Kapil Sibal had to hastily  have a  Parliamentary Joint Committee convened to draft a proposed amendment to the Constitution that will enable creation of the new title, after his attempts to explain that the Govt had been working for the past 42 years to come up with one had failed. Anna has threatened a “Jail Bharo” movement if an amendment is not passed by the midnight of Dec 31. Some intellectuals have criticized this extreme move,“ It cannot be a case of my way or highway”.  Meanwhile, Dig-your-own-grave Singh charged that the Navaratna demand is a conspiracy by the Jewellery merchants’ lobby in collusion with the Opposition. “We have a photo proof of a leader from the Opposition buying a piece of a Ratna for his ring, from one of the Jewellery shops, way back in 2011”, he thundered.  In a related development, some of the regional parties are demanding that members of the under-privileged sections of the society be given the award first before giving it to Sachin.  Says Aalloo Pershad, “can’t you find a person from these under-encouraged sections of the society before the ensuing assembly elections and confer it on him first, before others get it? When will the country ever get social justice?”

FEATURE

Carry on Ziona Chana

Sachin Tendulkar, as we know, has inspired an entire 3 generations by now, to perform. In keeping with the current global trend of “Look East”, we decided find out how Sachin has inspired people in the eastern part of India. We heard about Ziona Chana, whose family has created a city in Mizoram called Baktwang. Readers may not be aware that Baktwang was a small village in the early part of the century, until Ziona decided to expand- his family, that is. Mr. Ziona is now blessed with 11378 wives, and about 37500 grand-children. They have carved a whole city in this hilly state for themselves, and are living in perfect harmony. There is an in-house maternity hospital, first of it’s kind in the world, an in-house school, college, and a shopping complex. Mr Ziona himself is now an MLA representing his house, which was declared a constituency recently by the Election Commission.  

We recently caught up with him and asked him what inspired him on this feat. A beaming Mr. Ziona conceded that two people inspired him. Firstly, of course, is Sachin, who has demonstrated the power of endurance, and the will power to carry on. The other person is none other than Amitabh Bachan. We got a little curious and asked him how. Mr. Ziona , it transpires, has been watching the KBC show ever since it was launched about half a century ago, and Amitabh, that angry young man, continues to dazzle in the show till date in it’s KBC Version 29. When we quizzed him more on how exactly did this inspire him, the response was rather shocking. Mr. Ziona said ” just look at the title of the program”. We then realized the magnitude of the situation. Mr. Ziona has apparently taken “Kaun Banega Crore Pathi” quite literally, and taking cues from Sachin, as decided to carry on!!! 

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Disclaimer : This article is purely imaginary and is not intended to hurt anyone's feelings or sentiments. Resemblance to people's names, place or other factors is purely coincidental and is categorically NOT directed on any individual or thing. My apologies in case it has happened inadvertently. 

Buying a property in India

For those living in India, where the INR is the de-facto currency for the locals for all practical purposes ( unless one travels very frequently has exports business etc..), buying the first house is a no-brainer. Tax breaking, plus a "roof over your top" makes it a compelling reason.

However, for those of us who live outside, and consider investing in property in India, the considerations are manifold:

1. If you are a US or Canadian or Australian resident, then you have to declare the Indian property as a global asset and pay the applicable wealth or estate tax.
2. Interest rates in India are pathetically high over the long term... right now they hover around the 12 to 14% mark. Compare that with the 7% in Australia, 5.8% in the USA(effective) and about 22% in Singapore where I live... 
3. Monthly EMI cannot be covered by rentals. For example, if you invest in a 1.25 crores property, assuming 80% loan, the EMI on the 1Cr comes roughly to about Rs. 1,11,000. The likely market rental? Probably about 30K pre-tax. Post tax could be around the 26K mark, roughly.  And this excludes ongoing costs like society fees, maintenance, insurance, repairs, property tax, upgrades etc....not to mention the hassles of getting someone for rent, contract management, getting him to evict on time after contract lapses etc... 
4. The real clincher though is the exchange rate slide. 3 years ago, the Singapore dollar got you Rs.27, today it gets Rs.41. So, if you had invested in a property by sending money from Singapore to India 3 years go, and thought you made a nice 30% up move, think again.

Nett of it, the first house should be a no-brainer for most of us. Anything more, think twice, and weigh the pros and cons, and the options in front you as  global citizen.

NRE deposit rates

The latest RBI directive last week has resulted in deregulation of the interest on NRE deposits.

Today, if you invest in Rs.1cr or more , you get an tax free return of 9% Below 1Cr deposit, I think it is 7% tax free. Damn good prospect. I do not know how long it is going to last. The downside of it is the likely depreciation further of the INR...  Maybe worth putting some money around the Rs. 55 mark and top at 60 if it does get there...   long term, if you believe in the India growth story, there is no choice but for the INR to appreciate...  so it all boils down to whether you buy the India story fully or not....