Making the most of Sahitya Academy Awards - Unofficial guidelines

Congratulations, awardee! You have won one of the most prestigious awards literary India has to offer. You join the elite group of people who have been honoured by the Government of India, for your literary achievements.

You could have received the award in any year starting 1955 until now. This user guide will guide you through the do's and don'ts. In fact, if you have received earlier rather than later, the better. Your brand equity can be enhanced many times over, with these simple guidelines.

1. Firstly, note that along with the award come a heap of "perks" - privileged places to live in, money from govt. , ensuing government positions, etc etc..  not to mention intangibles like fame, recognition etc...   All with the taxpayer's money. 
2. India has seen many acts of violence and intolerance over these last sixty years. However, because of the fact that many of you have been loyal to a particular family over the years, whenever an act of violence happened in the country in any part, you were required to look askance during the their tenure in the government. After all, those were isolated incidents, though unfortunate, and you had been given to understand that the secular fabric of the country shall not be damaged in any manner at those times. During these situations, your conscience should have been be busy either creating more literary work, or managing those plum job postings bestowed on you. So, there is no confusion.
3. After May 2014, however, your position shall change overnight, in tune with new business environment. You conscience shall now be devoted full-time to function as the watchdog of the secular fabric of the nation. Don't bother finding out which textile mill that fabric was ever made in.
4.  Just to make it amply clear, according to unwritten part of the constitution, "secular fabric" shall really mean ignoring the views of the majority portion of the population in order to appear "balanced" in the eyes of the others, and the rest of the Western World, nothing more. You shall constantly chide the majority, knowing well that no one dare resent. You shall praise people who draw derogatory paintings of Gods, and call it beautiful artwork, and expect the country to rise up and say "Wah! Wah!". The family and it's chamchas shall ensure that whoever does not do that shall be instantly labelled as communal. And at that moment, you have a bounden duty to call those protestors "bigots". Their sensibilities be damned. During these times "freedom of expression" shall prevail. Any protest shall instantly be labelled intolerance.
5. When a Salman Rushdie book is prevented from getting released in the country, you shall look askance. At that time, your conscience shall instantly go into sleep mode. When a Tasleema Nasreen is heckled by zealots, you are under a national obligation to keep quiet. During such times, your heart shall instantly pause fluttering for freedom of speech and liberty. 
6. After May 2014, whenever unfortunate acts of violence erupt, you shall be choosy about your reactions. For incidents like the Moradabad violence, where a significant portion of the affected people are from the majority, you shall instantly invoke the "look askance" code. 
7. For all other condemnable acts of violence where even one person from the other sections is unfortunately affected, you shall not stop with merely condemning the incident. You shall surrender the Sahitya Academy award given to forthwith, never mind even if you got it in 1990...  this award is, after all,  a milking cow. You shall milk it when you receive- by way of the benefits  and perks mentioned. You shall then bask in it's glory, until people practically forget the fact that you had received it, in the first place. And when that cycle reaches end of life, when the commercial use-by date has been achieved, such incidents shall provide you with the perfect excuse to get back to the limelight. The media shall instantly confer you with the "apostle of secularism" award in exchange for your returning the S.A. Award. A good exchange offer, this.
8. You shall not be bothered about the fact that law and order is a state subject, and that until the state government expressly asks the centre to intervene, the centre has no power to intervene, other than the extreme situation of invoking article 356 of the constitution if the governor recommends it. Never mind those constitutional niceties. Those are for the few people who care for the details. The vast majority are keen to see the "apostle of secularism" tag on you.
   
   Long live THE AWARDS!

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